Dark Eyes
by P.H. Wise
Summary: Ranma is a girl! Ranma is a senshi! Jadeite returns and commences smirking! What's in store for our NeoSenshi? Stay right there, and I'll show you!


Note: This was originally an Omake to my story 'Why Sailor Pluto Hates the Bet,' but with the prevalence of this sort of story (alas, usually not in parody form), I thought it was worth posting seperately. In other news, I'm not wearing any pants.

Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon  
Ranma 1/2  
"Dark Eyes"  
-- or --  
'OOCness by Woods on a Snowy Evening: How NOT to write a fanfic'

A P.H. Wise fanfic, brought to you in part by the Ranma/Sailor Moon crossover challenge

--- The Rolls ---

A. In these crossovers, an opening song is far more important than a plot.

6) Turn on the radio (whatever station it's already on) and start writing!

Ochi chernye - Russian Red Army Choir

(Ok, even though it WAS set to the classical station, I'm still not sure how the heck I got this song. The music sounds somewhat depressing. Here are the lyrics. I've done my best to translate them. Alas, my best is not quite good enough, as I don't speak Russian and haven't a clue a to how close I am to an accurate translation... but the places I've tried to post it won't display the lyrics in pure Russian for some reason. .

_Eyes black, eyes burning  
Eyes passionate and fine  
As I love you as am afraid of you  
To know I has seen of you I not at kind o'clock  
Eyes black, eyes are ardent  
And they in the countries  
Where reigns love where reigns rest  
Where there is no, where enmity an interdiction  
Eyes black, eyes burning  
Eyes passionate and fine  
As I love you as am afraid of you  
To know I has seen of you I not at kind o'clock  
would not meet you, would not suffer so  
I would live life you me  
eyes black  
Have carried away my happiness for one century.  
Eyes black, eyes burning  
Eyes passionate and fine  
As I love you as am afraid of you  
To know I has seen of you I not at kind o'clock_

B. Roll for the pretense. (note: don't mistake this for a plot!)  
1) Ranma is a SailorScout! (use table BB)  
- Ranma is Sailor Saturn!

AA. Ranma is a Scout Table  
1) Ranma is permanantly Ranko

C. Ranma's entrance (a sub-plot that is more important than any actual plot).  
4) Ranma moves in with his mother, Nodoka lives in Juuban.

D. Plot  
3) The return of an old enemy. (JADEITE!)

E. Ranma's fiancees are:  
4) I'm hungry, so I'll skip the fiancee's. (Covered in author's notes.)

F. This story:  
5) Takes place after canon Ranma. (Ok, I fudged this a teeny bit)

G. Ranma's Relationships Table-1:  
3) Sailor Jupiter secretly loves Ranma, and gets him! (Guess Rei-chan was right to be worried about Mako-chan's crush on Haruka...)

H. Plot-twist Table:  
2) If not already taken by Ranma - Sailor Mars has relations with Sailor Moon. (Chris Davies must be leaping for joy right now.)

CC. Relative Table  
3. Cousins - Sailor Mars (gee, who hasn't seen THIS before?)

------------------------------

Ranma sat on the roof of the Tendo Dojo performing an act that many would view as completely and utterly OOC: he was thinking. Yes, Ranma was thinking. To be specific, SHE (important plot point #1!) was thinking about the failed wedding attempt. Akane hadn't taken it well that her parents were trying to marry her off to a girl, which was what Ranma was full time now. She had been stuck as a girl ever since the battle with Saffron. Some funky rune had appeared on her forehead and granted her the much needed boost in power that she had needed to win (important plot point #2!). Come to think of it, it had also allowed her to bring Akane back from the dead. Weird. Oh, yeah, she was a girl now. Well, crap. This sucked. How was she going to be a man amongst men if she was stuck as a girl? She was going to have to commit seppuku! This SUCKED! It sucked so much that even light could not escape! It SUUUUUUUUCKED! She didn't want to be a girl! Unfortunately, she was stuck – Jusenkyou was gone and surgery was far too expensive.

Shrugging faintly (and having angsted nicely), Ranma turned her gaze back towards the Tendo Dojo. The craziness had not ceased since the failed wedding attempt. Well, except for the fact that most of her fiancées had... hrm, I'll write this part later. I'm hungry.

She was getting really tired of the craziness that made up her life, and she was quite ready to leave at this point. The only she could talk to – the only one who understood her - was Kasumi, but in the aftermath of the failed wedding, Kasumi had married Doctor Tofu (who had mysteriously reappeared with no explanation as to why he had vanished for such an extended period of time). At this point, the only thing that was preventing Ranma from moving off to Juuban and living with her mother (or maybe her cousin Rei, who lived in the same area with her lesbian lover Usagi) was that single most defining aspect of her character: her sense of honour. Ranma frowned deeply, considering her options. Should she abandon the only thing that she believed in and show herself to be just as honourless as her father, simply running away to leave everyone else to deal with her problems?

Yeah, that sounded about right.

On that note, she employed the Saotome secret technique (read: ran away) and vanished into the night, headed for the Juuban district.

Meanwhile, in the ruined remains of the Dark Kingdom, Jadeite smirked evilly as he stepped out from behind a pillar. Beryl's long abandoned throne stood empty before him, and his smirk was great in its smirkiness. So intense was his smirk that surely even the likes of Freiza, possessed of no small talent in the area of smirkiness him(her?)(it?)self, would have smirked to see it. Still, his smirkiness, despite being far in excess of what one would expect –in fact, if one were to make an estimation of his smirkiness simply by looking at him, one would think it were a level far below what it is, in fact at – was nothing compared to the likes of Freiza. Freiza's left hand held more smirkiness than Jadeite's left hand. Its right arm held more smirkiness than Jadeite's right arm. Its foot also held more smirkiness than Jadeite's entire leg. In fact, even Freiza's little toe, freakishly small due to a genetic birth defect, held more smirkiness than Jadeite's entire body. So Jadeite, how does it feel to know that Freiza's deformed little toe Holds more smirkiness than you have in your entire body?

Forgive me, I seem to have gotten a little carried away. Where was I?

Ah yes!

"Here lies Queen Beryl," smirked Jadeite. "And good riddance. How can anyone be as stupid as that, I wonder? Did she really think she could defeat me in our epic battle of wills? ... or wait, did she really think she could encase me in eternal crystalline sleep? Damn, I don't remember anymore. But she thought I was dead. ALL those fools thought I was dead." He began to laugh. "But they didn't realize that it was really ME pulling the strings behind the Dark Kingdom ALL ALONG! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And now that Metallia and Death Phantom are gone, I shall have my TRUE body summoned to earth that I might bring everything to nothing! If I can just open up the door to the Tau Ceti star system, I can bring about the Silence!"

His voice echoed off into the distance, the resonance of the caverns taking his voice to the far ends of what was left of the Dark Kingdom. He stood there a bit, his cape (which had inexplicably appeared on him out of nowhere) billowing dramatically in the nonexistent head-wind before it occurred to him to go on. "But first, I must figure out why exactly I'm ranting to an empty cavern."

He thought about that one for a moment before shrugging helplessly. "Or not."

But such things are beyond our ken – we cannot hope to comprehend the genius of one such as Jadeite; he's more smarter than we know. Smirking evilly to himself, Jadeite vanished.

Ranma arrived at Nodoka's home in Juuban just in time to remember the seppuku contract. However, seeing as how she had come all this way and was very hungry, she figured that at the least she could go and

sponge off her mother as Ranko Tendo. It was only after she had walked in and greeted her mother that she remembered that Nodoka already knew about the curse. Fortunately, Nodoka was quite understanding about the whole thing.

"No big deal, RanKO," said Nodoka. "I guess I'll divorce that fat panda of a father that you have, then, and take up my maiden name of Tomoe." She paused a moment, as if considering something. "Oh by the

way, I'm sorry about the whole sepukku thing. My bad. I was really just joking, you know. Come, daughter, I will show you how to be happy and live a fulfilling life as a woman."

Ranko nodded in happy agreement, her eyes glowing red and taking on a vacuous expression as she said, "Okay, mom!"

later

Ranko giggled as she twirled about in her yellow sundress. It was soooooo kawaii! She just LOVED how pretty it made her! Surely the boys would notice her now! "Oh, being a girl really IS more fulfilling than being a boy. Thanks, mom! I can't wait to start trying on naughty outfits and grabbing myself a boyfriend or six!"

Nodoka nodded sagely. "Indeed, Ranko."

At that point Ranko blinked, and the dull red glow in her eyes faded away. "Hey, what am I saying? I'm a GUY! And I'm RanMA! What the heck is going on here?"

Nodoka frowned. 'Oh my,' she thought, 'the possession isn't taking quite as well as I would have hoped. I will have to weaken his will if Mistress 9 is to take control.' Aloud, she said, "I know you're confused.

You're sick, Ranko. Come down to my evil spooky laboratory and I'll help you to get better."

Ranma nodded reluctantly. "Alright mom... if you say it, I guess I believe you. You know, even with you trying to make me act like a girl and what with the evil spooky laboratory... thanks, mom. I love you!"

Nodoka grinned. "I love you too, daughter," she said, and though Ranma flinched at being called 'daughter,' she didn't seem to notice. And as she led her now-daughter towards her evil spooky laboratory, her form became shadowed, and her glasses gleamed brightly.

THE END (thank God)

... FOR NOW! (aieee!)

-- Author's notes --

I had planned to write out a scene detailing the reactions of Ranma's fiancées, and how they all cursed themselves with Nannichuan (except for Akane, who just insisted that she didn't want to have anything to do with that pervert) in order that they might still produce an heir, but then I got hungry and then forgot about it. Oh well. 


End file.
